Perfectionist Rehab

Her hair was long and smelled like raspberries and honey,

She played guitar, wrote poetry, and was funny.

I could listen to her art all day long,

To this day I don’t know what I did wrong.

She was my friend, my same, my twin,

For nine years – then hatred did win.

When we were girls we always had fun,

Singing, laughing, playing in the sun.

The beach was her favorite so, often we’d go,

Swimming for hours, frozen though,

We’d be at the end of the day,

We always had the best stories to relay.

Honestly, our friendship changed when I went to college,

On to my continuous pursuit of knowledge.

She was brilliant – but disinterested in school,

But that never mattered to me – it was cool.

Having an education and being educated are not the same,

A degree rarely proof of knowledge gained.

Schooling is a choice but not necessity,

To prove what you know in society.

She was expected to go despite these facts,

Though she took a year off the “right track”.

My freshman year led to being purely free,

From the woman that adopted me.

I moved out permanently that year,

Bringing forth new things to fear.

My friend worked that entire time,

Saving all earned nickels and dimes.

I fell into a depression deep,

Knowing that no one was missing me.

I survived the year and passed my classes,

Packed up my computer, books, and glasses.

Stayed that summer at her family home,

And helped her plan her education milestone.

She failed out her first year – it was all too much!

Rugby and Jack Daniels had become her crutch.

I did not judge her for schooling is hard,

But I myself had come too far,

To allow myself to fail as well.

This began our relationship farewell.

I did not fault her, but she did me,

For how could the pathetic one succeed?

She had her family and I had none,

She was the one who should have won.

I didn’t know we were to compete,

And this is what led to our defeat.

I’ve learned looking at others for validation,

Only breeds hatred and trepidation.

Celebrate your triumphs but be discreet!

Or others will accuse you of deceit.

Take advice from those you wish to emulate,

But ignore those with undesirable fate.

People grow together or grow apart,

Relationships never end the way they start.

People will judge you no matter what,

So, it’s best to just follow your gut.

Stress is a killer in more ways than one,

It erodes the body and mind undone.

Stress causes anger, guilt, and grief,

If you react to it, your relationships decease.

The goal not perfection – it is progress.

It’s slowing corrosion, easing the regress,

From rational mind into wounded animal,

Ripping off the weeds and the bramble.

Sweeping away the dust and decay,

To reveal the light of the day.

Healing a cycle – it never ends!

How long it takes just depends,

On the willingness to feel your pain,

And work through everything again.

I don’t believe there’s ever an end,

To the healing self once you spend,

Time where you believe the narrative written.

Victimized. Tortured. Bitten.

By the succubus, Trauma, and her beautiful pain,

All the stories webbed in the brain.

“You’ll never heal.”

“You don’t feel.”

“You deserved this all along.”

“You’re alone in this song.”

“It’s all in your head, don’t be irrational.”

“You’re luxuriating again, don’t be passional.”

Once we believe the script from our abusers,

We must unwind ourselves from the fissures.

Who am I? Without all this pain?

Why let this go? What’s to gain?

What more could I do with this life?

Without the comforting reminder of the knife?