Perfectionist Rehab

Poppies symbolize remembrance, sacrifice, death, new beginnings, peace, sympathy, and comfort. Poppies are known to grow in disturbed soil, representing hope and the ability to overcome challenges.

That combination of correspondences is particularly intriguing, because the messages are not to be considered individually. Poppies symbolize the process of recognizing the past. Sacrificing what was. Accepting the present. Comforting you through the transition. Allowing the old ways to die off. Mourning the way things were. Welcoming change.

California poppies are a medicinal herb praised for its gentle sedative effects, commonly used in teas. California poppy tea is used to promote relaxation, combat insomnia, and soothe nervous tension. When used topically, an infusion may treat irritated skin, eczema, and even nerve pain.

Poppies are one of my favorite flowers. I’m drawn to their velvety petals. I’m mesmerized by their vivid colors. I love their symbolism.

I tend to romanticize everything, and poppies are no different. The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies. I would envy Dorothy as a child, because I thought napping in a poppy field was the height of luxury. I didn’t understand the opium references at that age, but I digress.

The flowers are gorgeous, and they symbolize one of my favorite concepts.

All living processes end so that new processes can begin.

Mushrooms also symbolize the cycle of life and death. They grow in muck and decay to transmute toxins into nourishment. Caterpillars literally explode within their cocoons to metamorphosize into butterflies. Change is hard. Growth is painful.

After seven years of performing quality surveillance, I can tell you that operators hate receiving defects. If not communicated cautiously, defects will be received as a moral failing. A simple mistake quickly evolves into reductive narratives.

“I didn’t do my job.”

“I’m undeserving of my position.”

If compounded with inexperienced leadership deficient in emotional intelligence, every non-conformance becomes a contest of intellectual fortitude.

Who’s right. Who’s wrong.

Simple mistakes reduced to capability assessments. Progressive discipline. Termination.

Why?

Because mistakes are inexcusable in a business context. They cost money. They impact customer experience. They deplete credibility in the marketplace and the organization itself.

Mistakes are inevitable. That’s what’s so suffocating about the perfectionist mindset. Absolutist opinions in terms of performance will guarantee failure.

Extremist thinking breeds elitist assholes.

I identify as a patient person. I’m observant. Cautious. Measured. Reserved. I’m not one to offer my opinions first. I like to mull things over before I provide my two cents.

I’m generally unrufflable. I’m calm under pressure. I have thick skin. I’m not easily offended.

I’ve been wrestling with a work situation for some time now. I have a colleague who speaks before she has the facts. She’s belligerent. Hostile. Critical. Elitist. Volatile.

She makes my entire team look bad.

“Michelle, if you have a problem with her, why don’t you just talk to her?”

Good question, thanks for asking. What do you call it when you do the same thing repeatedly and you expect different results?

Perseverance? NO. Insanity.

I have spoken to her directly on several occasions. She deflects. Argues. Dismisses. Invalidates. Attacks.

She cannot admit when she’s wrong.

The situation came to a head recently, and I had to report her behavior. I need you to understand that I did not do this happily. I hated doing it.

I care about her as a person. I know an awful lot about her personal life, and I’ve afforded her too much leeway because I understand the difficulties she’s facing. However, this does not excuse her behavior.

I cannot stress this enough. I’ve been through my own trials. Most people have. I don’t care what you’ve been through, you always have a choice in how you move through the world.

I had to report my colleague this week. Not because she made mistakes, but because she is wholly unwilling, and possible incapable, of admitting that there were other options available to her. She cannot admit that she was wrong. She will not apologize.

My colleague drafted a particularly coarse email recently with a large recipient list. Another team member spoke to her about the language and told her they were deeply concerned with the tone of her communication.

“I completely disagree. There was no tone in that email! You’re just being emotional.”

I’m confident that we do not get to decide the truth of how we come across to other people. If we say something that lands offensively, we don’t get to tell the other person they’re wrong for having an emotional reaction. The only recourse is to attempt to repair the situation. Apologize. Acknowledge the other person’s experience. Affirm that you hear the concern. Rephrase in a more effective manner.

You don’t double down and attempt to gaslight the other person to avoid accountability.

Or at least, you really shouldn’t.

My life has taught me many lessons, one of which is that there’s no such thing as perfection in people. People are inherently flawed – we’ve only the capacity to grow and learn if we allow ourselves to.

Grace and compassion guarantee growth. We stop beating ourselves up. We adjust. We do things a different way.

Compassion is accessible to all of us. Perfection, however, is not.  People that pursue flawlessness tend to obscure their mistakes because they’re terrified. Perfectionists believe that mistakes prove unworthiness. Ineffectiveness. Incompetency.

 It’s wonderful and noble to do our best, but we will get it wrong sometimes. Being vicious to ourselves, or our colleagues, won’t change that fact. So, why perpetuate the suffering?

Pride.