Perfectionist Rehab

I think people are inherently intuitive.

I believe that we can sometimes feel energetic shifts. That we know when change is afoot.

Five years ago, I was home alone while my husband was working overtime. I was sitting in the living room when it happened.

 I experienced a strange sensation. An inaudible click.

I was certain a cog in the wheel of time shifted. Something significant altered.

Life was going to change as I knew it.

My breath stilled in my chest. I focused my attention on my hearing. I slowly gazed around the room. My pulse quickened.

Something was different.

I surveyed my surroundings. I inventoried my belongings. I accounted for my animals. I locked every window and door to my house.

 I called my husband.

“Is everything okay at work?”

“Yes, everything’s fine,” he chuckled. “What’s going on with you?”

“I don’t know. Something’s different.”

“I think if something important changed, we would know about it.”

“I’m serious. I can tell – something’s coming.”

“Okay, well…let me know if you figure what it is. I’ve got to get back to work.”

I hung up my phone, relieved. My husband was safe and accounted for.

I began pacing when the little voice in my head whispered.

You should meditate.

I turned on solfeggio frequencies. I lit a candle and some incense. I curled up on the couch and closed my eyes.

Four round breaths.

In-two-three-four.

Pause-two-three-four.

Out-two-three-four.

Pause-two-three-four.

In-two-three-four.

Pause-two-three-four.

Out-two-three-four.

Pause-two-three-four.

In-two-three-four.

Pause-two-three-four.

Out-two-three-four.

Pause-two-three-four.

In-two-three-four.

Pause-two-three-four.

Out-two-three-four.

Pause-two-three-four.

Relax your breathing. Imagine bright white light pouring from the Heavens into the top of your head, trailing through your body. Watch the light shimmer and glow throughout your arms, legs, and abdomen. Allow the white light to explode out of your fingers and toes.

Extend the light into the ground beneath you. Envision this light anchoring in the soil, reforming into tree-like roots. Observe the roots develop a golden glow. Feel the golden light float through the roots, into your fingers and toes, through your arms, legs, and abdomen. Allow the golden light to explode out of the crown of your head.

My body felt heavy. Relaxed. Calm.

And that’s when it happened for the very first time.

I saw an image behind my eyelids.

In front of me, I saw the French doors leading out into our backyard. There was a beautiful little girl with blonde hair, green eyes, freckles, and the brightest smile I’d ever seen. She was wearing a white tank top and shorts, and she was leaning into the doorway, beckoning me to come outside to join her.

And then she was gone.

I was filled with an overwhelming sense of conviction.

That’s my daughter.

My husband and I lost our baby seven months before this meditation. We hadn’t even decided at this point if we were going to try to conceive again.

We were terrified we were going to lose another child.

I feverishly located my keys and my wallet. I hastily locked up the house, said goodbye to the animals, and rushed to my car.

I slammed the door.

What am I even doing? There’s no way I’m pregnant.

I shook away the thought. I put the key in the ignition, turned on the car, and practically flew to the nearest pharmacy.

I purchased a three-pack of pregnancy tests.

Four minutes after I arrived home, I had my answer.

Pregnant.

Change can be imperceptible at first. But this story illustrates a phenomenon that many people have experienced – the inexplicable knowing that something is afoot.

How long are we enmeshed in change before we become conscious of it?

These types of experience are not an exact science. This experience was how I learned that I was pregnant with my eldest son.

I have only conceived males, and it still isn’t clear to me why I saw a little girl.

Regardless, I allowed myself to act based on a feeling. Knowing. Cunning. Conviction. Delusion. Daydream. Fantasy.

And I was right.