Perfectionist Rehab

I once heard a speech given by a renowned psychologist, Esther Perel, on adultery. She said, “Once an indiscretion occurs, the relationship is over. Now the couple has the choice. They can either walk away or try to repair what broke prior to the indiscretion.”

In my experience, people don’t cheat because of innate animalistic tendencies. I’ve heard many people who condone cheating in their own lives.

“People aren’t meant to be monogamous. It goes against nature.”

I think some people may cheat because they have a blatant disrespect for other people’s feelings.

Perhaps others cheat as a manifestation of their adolescent angst.

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

People cheat because they’re looking for something they aren’t receiving in their relationship. Perhaps it is spontaneity for some, others perhaps it’s a thirst their current partner cannot quench. Some people cheat because they only experience arousal in novelty – new partners present excitement that recurrent interactions cannot. Others felt the void of disconnection. When inhibitions were low and the stakes were imperceptible, connection was sought.

People run away from accountability – this I have seen innumerable times throughout my life. As soon as an indiscretion occurs, the adulterer becomes the perpetrator and the person who was cheated on becomes the faultless victim.

“How could they do that to you?”

It’s far more uncomfortable to self-reflect, to see how we contributed to our own pain. It’s a true act of humility to drop the victim mentality and go within, and honestly reflect upon how we participated in our own suffering.

This is not the same thing as gaslighting. Gaslighting as a term has become sensationalized in the last few years, so I admit that I cringe at using it here. Social media has taught the masses that ‘gaslighting’ is whenever someone disagrees with you.

This is not the genre of gaslighting to which I refer.

I’m referring to gaslighting as the psychological phenomenon in which a victim is made to feel crazy; they are devalued, invalidated, and manipulated by an abuser with the intent on flipping around the abuse and its causality onto the victim.

“You made me hit you.”

“You wanted me to do this.”

“That never happened, you’re crazy.”

We live in a world of definitive hyperbolic expression – despite the fact that nothing is black and white. The truth is often somewhere between these two poles – two people can disagree. Two people can have different experiences of the same interaction. Neither person is likely completely correct in their interpretation of the goings on – the truth lies somewhere between the two experiences.

Part of growth and general maturation is the willingness to accept our own faults. Pretending that we have none denies our own humanity. People are willing to state that no one is perfect, but when presented with evidence of how they may have contributed to someone else’s suffering, this canon evaporates.

“Well, I didn’t intend to make you feel that way.”

As if intention has anything to do with it.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Well, I’m still upset, aren’t I?

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Oh, so you possess no remorse for disrespecting me, but you don’t like that I feel disrespected.

I’m not saying that people deserve to be cheated on. What I’m saying is that there is always more to the story. People love to reduce situations into simple cause-and-effect to substantiate and validate their narratives, experiences, and judgments on other people.

Psychologists and scientists alike discuss this phenomenon as confirmation bias. The brain is wired to look for attributes that it believes. So – if you believe everyone is out to get you, chances are you will only notice when people do you wrong. You won’t notice any time someone does right by you. Similarly, your brain may even convince you of nefarious activity that didn’t occur simply because there was enough nuance to validate your belief. A benign sigh from a partner can become proof that they are exasperated by your talking. Stubbing your toe proves that you have no situational awareness like your foster mother said. A silly joke told by a friend is proof that they think they are better than you.

A really nasty lesson that I have learned throughout my life is that we truly do get to choose whatever we focus on. I’m not saying this is easy. The work I am proposing to you here is exceedingly difficult. Controlling your mind, selecting your thoughts, and forcing yourself to change is hard. It requires diligence, perseverance, and above all else – dedication.

If we don’t control our thoughts, our thoughts control us.