Perfectionist Rehab

Tyranny can be described as the condition of exercising authority in a cruel or arbitrary way. Tyrannical interactions, in my experience, are best avoided through communication. If other people understand the reasons behind the decisions and dictations imposed upon them, they feel a greater sense of autonomy. They can be led to believe in motivations, which can impart a sense of purpose, duty, respect, and diligence.

Earlier in my career I had been labeled tyrannical on more than one occasion. I have held a few positions where I needed to make decisions within a short timeframe, and I did not always have the bandwidth to discuss my rationales with my teammates.

This was my mistake.

I have noticed that whenever people reduce their obligations to whether there is sufficient bandwidth to complete them, they are confessing a judgement.

“I don’t have time for that.”

“It’s not a priority.”

What they really mean is:

“I haven’t made time for (insert task).”

“I don’t think (insert task) is important.”

Please remember that people make time for whatever matters to them.

At this point in my career, I was most focused on doing the ‘right’ thing. I believed deep in my bones that I would find whatever that ‘right’ thing was, and other people were simply too obstinate to listen to me.

As time passed, I realized that my focus was misplaced; it wasn’t about who was ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. I no longer believe in such absolutes, and I truly believe this has made me a better person. I worked as a quality analyst in a research and development product, which means defect detection was solely reliant on deductive reasoning. I truly don’t believe deductive reasoning can be reduced to ‘correct’ or ‘incorrect’ because people often have thorough reasons substantiating their decision-making process.

This is not a bad thing.

At the time, I had the misguided understanding that my deductive reasoning was ‘better’ than my teammates’, and I believed that if people would just listen to me they would arrive at the same conclusions.

It wasn’t until I left that position that I realized the error of my ways.

In fields such as mine, the only way to establish inspection parameters and acceptability criteria is through frequent and thorough collaborative efforts.

We had to have meetings.

We had to ensure mutual understanding and attempt to minimize variation as much as possible. But this is no easy feat in a field with low acceptable margins for error and high defect opportunities – it is time consuming to get everyone on the same page and frankly, we can’t take that much time away from production.

Every decision I made suddenly seemed arbitrary to my own judgments – and I no longer wished to be the determining factor. I loathe attempting to define the undefinable.

Who am I to say what the right thing is?

The end user isn’t providing feedback in either direction. The best barometer for success is the client’s experience. The client seems to be lukewarm regarding our efforts, so why stress over the ‘correctness’ of a product that seems to be good enough?

“I’m destroying relationships, morale, and reputations over piddly details that don’t seem to impact the client’s experience,” I realized.

And this is how I began to see the forest instead of the trees.

My foster mother was quite emphatic that I was uncontrollable. This was a negative trait in her mind, because her goal as a caregiver was to exercise the control she felt was absent in the rest of her life. She was, and is, very much, a fanatic for blind obedience.

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

“I’m the parent, you’re the child.”

“Because I said so.”

My brother and I were rarely provided with the reasons behind decisions, and that was because there seldom were reasons behind her decision-making process. Her demands were arbitrary and whimsical; whether we could do anything was subject to her current mood. If she was in high spirits, we received affirmatives for every request. If her depression was at the forefront of her consciousness that day, we would not be allowed to do anything.

It’s awfully interesting that there are terms for parenting styles – I am ignorant as to whether these are recent constructs or if they existed when I was a child. However, there are essentially three parenting methods: permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative.

Permissive parenting is exactly what the term suggests – allowing the child to do whatever they please to avoid negative emotional experiences. Authoritarian parenting exercises control the child, especially to assert hierarchical roles within the family unit. Authoritative parenting involves allowing the child autonomy as is appropriate, while maintaining boundaries and natural consequences. The best way to illustrate the difference between these methods is through example.

Let’s say you have a child who wants a bowl of their favorite cereal for breakfast. In their impatience to partake in their favorite cereal, they threw the box onto the floor. There is cereal covering the floor. The child begins crying because their favorite cereal is all over the floor.

The permissive parent would say something like:

“Uh oh! The cereal is all over the floor! Don’t cry baby, everything is okay, mommy will clean this up for you. After that we will go to the store and get you more cereal!”

 The inherent problem with addressing this issue in such a way is that the child hasn’t learned the consequences of throwing the cereal. Society would be in utter chaos if adults behaved in such a manner.

 The authoritarian parent would say something like:

“Look at what you did! Stop your crying, you were the one to throw the cereal all over the floor! If you can’t handle having your favorite cereal in the house, I guess I won’t buy it for you anymore. Go to your room and think about what you did.”

The inherent problem with addressing this issue in such a way is that now the child hasn’t learned how to regulate their emotions – which is the reason why the cereal ended up on the floor in the first place. The child still hasn’t learned natural consequences of what happens when we throw cereal onto the floor – and mom still must clean up the mess by herself.

The authoritative parent would say something like:

“Uh oh! There is cereal all over the floor. Let’s clean up together and we’ll find you something else for breakfast.”

This method of parenting establishes the boundary of not throwing cereal onto the floor, establishes the natural consequence of throwing cereal (namely needing to clean it up), validates their emotions, and redirects the child to have some breakfast. Just because a person makes a mistake doesn’t mean they no longer deserve love and comfort.

I don’t think it’s surprising that I disdain tyrannical behavior.

I am a text-book trauma survivor.

There are few things that get under my skin as much as seeing someone on a power trip. I try not to overly catalogue people, but I still think that people who are drawn to parenting and drawn to leadership fall into one of two categories:

1. People who want to control someone else
2. People who want to develop someone else

I’ve crossed lines and have acted tyrannically – this is true as a mother, as an employee, and as a spouse. I am tyrannical about tyranny – because I am a paradox.

I can be quite stubborn, and I have a hard time seeing other points of view. If I’ve concluded someone is on a power trip, they lose any credibility as far as I’m concerned.

I don’t arrive at my decisions lightly – I’m someone who deliberates for a long time. I ask questions. I do my research. I overturn as many stones as I can to find the answers I’m searching for – and I do my best to make the best-possible decision.

My goal is always to look for the most mutually beneficial outcome. That’s how I define success. What can we do that benefits us both?

My weakness is details. I have a scrutinous gaze and an analytical mind. I will deliberate until the point of absolute exhaustion and decision paralysis.

I am a perfectionist, after all.

Someone told me once that I would benefit from learning to see the forest instead of the trees.

I’m lost in the trees.