Perfectionist Rehab

Creating a sense of harmony in our surroundings often requires more than just personal organization; it involves the gentle art of guiding those around us. Whether at home or in the workplace, our ability to exert positive influence is an essential skill. By mastering subtle shifts in communication and leadership, we can transform a chaotic space into a collaborative sanctuary. Sounds great, right?

Perfectionists often attempt to force a sense of harmony – not through genuine ease, but by imposing a rigid order that serves as a shield against their anxieties. Perfectionists may even believe that their approach, methods, and behaviors are the most ethically sound approach. This justifies obsessive tendencies for the perfectionist.

“I’m doing this the right way because I actually care”.

Perfectionism redefines ‘harmony’ as the absence of unpredictability. A person with perfectionist proclivity may unwittingly attempt to control or reduce mistakes, disagreement, and unexpected misfortunes. This can include trying to guilt, brow-beat, and manipulate other people into behavior the perfectionist deems ‘favorable.’

1. Externalizing Rigid Standards
   • Perfectionists often demand that those around them adhere to their own impossibly high expectations
   • This is known as ‘other-oriented perfectionsim’, where they may become hostile or overly critical when others do not approach tasks or behaviors exactly as the perfectionist believes they ‘should’.
   • In their view, if everyone follows their rules, the environment will remain ‘harmonious’ and therefore, safe.
2. Micromanagement and Lack of Delegation
   • Perfectionists fear that others’ mistakes will disrupt order, or reflect poorly on them, therefore they often refuse to delegate
   • By insisting on being involved in every step of a project or rewriting others’ work, they force a singular, uniform output that they equate with peace, morality, or ‘correctness’
3. Hyper-focus on physical and aesthetic order
   • Perfectionists may force a sense of calm through:
     • Extreme neatness
       • Perfectionists may maintain an immaculately clean or organized space to reduce visual “noise” and anxiety. They may be dissatisfied with the state of their homes unless they have been freshly cleaned.
       • Perfectionists may overly identify with the cleanliness of their spaces. Their self-worth plummets when their homes are cluttered, disorganized, or dirty. Their self-esteem mounts when things are orderly and spotless
       • Perfectionists may fixate on minute details in their environments to establish a sense of control over their surroundings. This can include an overemphasis on sterility and tidiness
       • Rigid routines
         • Insisting on strict schedules and lists, any deviation from these can trigger anger or visible distress
4. Persecutor behavior and “correcting” others
   • When feeling overwhelmed, perfectionists may shift into “persecutor” roles to remedy the perceived errors.
   • This may result in:
     • Publicly highlighting other people’s mistakes to minimize repeat offenses. This can also ‘protect’ the perfectionist from accountability if they were at fault.
     • Aggressive humor used as a tool to criticize others’ performance under the guise of ‘just helping’ or joking.
     • Dichotomous thinking where they view people as either ‘competent’ or ‘failures’.
5. Managing Impressions (the “perfect” mask)
   • To maintain the appearance of a harmonious life, perfectionists often curate an idealized image of themselves and their surroundings
     • Perfectionists may hide their authentic struggles or vulnerabilities, believing any signs of ‘messiness’ – emotional or physical – will prove their insufficiency or unworthiness.
     • While these tactics create a temporary sense of control for the perfectionist, they often lead to social disconnection and resentment in others, who may feel judged, micromanaged, or unable to be authentic in that person’s presence.

To summarize, perfectionists pursue flawlessness as an act of self-preservation. The underlying belief is that making mistakes is dangerous. If a perfectionist can maintain flawlessness – factual or perceived – they will become bulletproof. Unassailable. Safe.

The existential crisis all perfectionists must face is that everybody makes mistakes – it’s part of what makes us human. Our methods may not be the most efficient, practical, or even feasible options available.

We – perfectionists – become obsessed with mistake-proofing our lives. We unravel at any and every inconvenience. We demand people do things our way and catastrophize alternative methods. We highlight other people’s faults to detract from our own. We’re selective about what we share with others so that we can control how people perceive us. We push people away. We alienate ourselves.

In isolation, we imprison ourselves in unattainable standards that ultimately perpetuate the self-fulfilling prophecy:

“I’m not good enough.”